“I Don’t Want To Be Me Today”
Those were the words I whispered to my nurse in the shower this morning. I was in the midst of a panic attack which had started shortly after I woke up. Early on after my injury I had them all the time, but now I only get one or two a month. At the earliest signs I have learned to take the medication prescribed for them. Waiting, hoping it will go away only allows it to get more developed. Once the symptoms start, it’s just a matter of time. I’ve never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I have most of the symptoms. They usually begin with my legs. There is an overpowering, all-consuming urge to move them and at times, like today, that’s combined with the fact that they feel like solid cement. There are no words to convey the overpowering attitude that takes over my mind. These attacks are characterized by facial distortions, crying and the feeling of being totally out of control. Sometimes I thrash and want to throw myself out of bed, but it is impossible because of the quadriplegia. It scares the hell out of me.
At times like this I have seriously considered smoking marijuana in an effort to totally change the way I feel. I have never smoked it before and am anxious about my mind would react to it. Craig Hospital, where I did my rehabilitation, is strongly opposed to marijuana use by those who have been paralyzed.
This morning it took almost 3 hours for my medication to take effect. The peaceful calm that I feel when it kicks in is a welcome relief to the terrible anxiety I have been feeling. Usually, after I’m up I get tired and fall asleep for a while. The struggle one goes through can only be understood by one who has been through it. It’s all consuming.
The question at this point becomes what can one do about it? The feeling, while it is going on, is like being possessed and rational thought is impossible. Well-meaning intentions of others are irrelevant. It’s been over 17 years now and I have no idea or advice for dealing with these. The only good thing about them is that they always end.
This entry was posted in Attitude
, Community Inclusion
and tagged control
, life lesson
, physically challenged
. Bookmark the permalink