Filed under: Attitude, Behavior, Disability, Education, Love, Observation | Tags: adapting, control, life lesson, quadriplegia, using your mind
The CD player clicked off, and my struggle began. For months went from mild anxiety to full blown night terrors. I would thrash back and forth in the bed, shaking, crying uncontrollably and paranoid. They started bringing me out to the nurses’ station every night. The rehabilitation hospital even brought in a psychiatrist from outside hospital staff to evaluate me. As things got worse they had an attendant stay with me through the night. Nothing worked. I was so scared I would do anything, use anybody in my effort not to be alone. The silence scared me, the dark scared me and being alone was more than I could handle. When the psychologist asked me how I could combat this, I said to use meditation and imaging. I had used both very successfully in my life prior to the accident, so I believed these strategies would work. I was ready. Then the CD player ran out of music, clicked off, and I went berserk again. It not only continued when I got home, it got worse. I threw myself violently back and forth in the bed screaming, crying and threatening to throw myself out of the bed. My wife was not a rehabilitation specialist; she was a fifth grade teacher. She had no support group to fall back on, just her and her out of control husband. Night after sleepless night this went on and on. We entered into a frightening nether-land, both of us close to exhaustion from the crazed, sleepless encounters. Eventually I ended up at the local hospital for a mental evaluation. I began seeing a psychiatrist for chemical intervention. It did little good. Finally, to his credit, he admitted to us he’d run out of drugs and could do little more. He recommended a Sleep Study be done in the local hospital. After my night in the hospital, they immediately put me on a Continuous Positive Air Pressure (CPAP) machine and everything instantly changed the first night.
Recovering from a major disabling experience is a process, and it is critical for people to understand that. One of the doctors at Craig Hospital explained to my wife, that at first you will have more bad days than good. Then after a while the good days and the bad days will be about even. Finally, after another period of time you will realize you’re having more good days then bad, and this trend will continue as time goes on. After more than twelve years I can attest to the truth of this concept. I think it is hard for people in the early phase of recovery to believe that things will ever change, but they will. The other night I woke up at 3:30 am and could not go back to sleep. I sat up in bed, took off my CPAP mask and grabbed my iPad. I put on my headphones, hit the Favorites playlist and began playing solitaire. After several hours I started to get tired and, leaving my headphones on, laid back down and closed the iPad returning to the darkness. I was unable to sleep so I lay in the dark and was taken to a place of peace and tranquility by Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, Lionel Richie and others. It was hard to believe I was ever so terrorized by the nighttime.
Filed under: Attitude, Behavior, Education, Love, Observation, Sensitivity | Tags: life lesson, using your mind
I love the odd couple. It seems like they’re around all the time. Sometimes they can be a pain in the neck but most of the time they’re a source of entertainment and amusement. Regardless of everything, they are an ODD couple. She is older, blonde, about normal height and with a nice figure. He, on the other hand, is very young, extremely short, and is constantly standing on his tiptoes to look bigger. It’s obvious from their interaction that they are devoted to each other. They spend quite a bit of the day sleeping, but in between their naps they are constantly chasing each other around and playing. The games of tag are most amusing. She is quick as the wind, and he at top speed is still very slow. We never cease to get a kick out of hearing him run across the kitchen and computer room floors which have no carpeting. One will grab a toy and take off with the other in hot pursuit; often this will then turn into tug of war. The winner of the tug will then proceed to tease the other by parading around the house with the trophy in his or her mouth. She loves to get up on the bed because he is unable to do so; but it’s not for his lack of trying. He stands on his hind legs and jumps and jumps continuously getting knocked backwards onto the floor by the side of the mattress. Even though they nap much of the day they still sleep well at night. In the hot weather she sleeps under my wife’s bed, while he prefers to sleep on the bed. I’m sure you’ve figured out that the odd couple are our two dogs. The female, Foxy, we got from the County Dog Rescue Pound and is a mixed breed. The male, Bosco, is a Bassett Hound, and we got him from the SPCA about four months ago. My wife thought Foxy was getting depressed and needed companionship.
The Odd Coulpe Napping
Foxy can be a free spirit at times, and Bosco can be very stubborn. I love these characteristics and would never want to change them. The dogs are a constant source of amusement and love. Their daily routine keep us laughing and in an upbeat mood. Their love for us is unconditional. They flatter us with their attention and affection, and they bring much happiness and joy into our lives every minute of every day. When one of them sits on my lap, it makes me feel so very special and reminds me how wonderful it is to be alive.
Tug of War
While we are trying to teach this odd couple good “dog manners”, they have taught us a number of useful things: there is nothing wrong with being different, every day is a new day, unconditional love is wonderful, life is more enjoyable when you have someone to share it with, and it’s better to be happy and have fun than to be depressed and take lots of naps.
Filed under: Attitude, Behavior, Disability, Education, Love, Reality, Sensitivity | Tags: life lesson, using your mind
Since my accident in 1999, like many other things, the word friend has taken on a totally new meaning. Prior to that time I prided myself on being self-reliant and able to take care of myself and family in any situation. We grew or raised most of our own food and heated our house with wood we cut from our 40 acre wood lot. We took trips into wilderness areas of Canada and New York’s Adirondacks Mountains. Being a C6 complete quadriplegic and a big man (6’5” and 265 pounds), now it is difficult for me to do most activities by myself or just with the help of my wife. Friends have stepped up and offered their time and efforts to help me participate in the activities I love.
Although it’s still difficult for me to ask for help, I am definitely getting better at it. I’ve come to realize that friends enjoy helping me as much as I enjoy what they are enabling me to do. However, helping is not as cut and dry as one might initially think. People approach me with different attitudes and expectations. Some will wait to be asked for their assistance. Some will wait until you struggle and then step in. Others feel they need to do everything for you. It’s very easy for an individual with a disability to get frustrated with someone helping too much. Their actions could easily be misinterpreted as, “I don’t think you have the ability to do anything on your own”. I must remind myself of people’s good intentions and, when necessary, tactfully intercede on my own behalf.
Friends helping me kayak
Quadriplegia has taken many things away from me. Primary among them is the majority of physical contact I had with my wife. Marge remains beside me, takes care of me, but most importantly she is still my best friend.
Andy
Although I am no longer able to be self-reliant and provide for most of my family’s needs, my life has been enriched by the kindness of both old and new friends and their willingness to step up and help empower me. How very fortunate I am!
Filed under: Attitude, Behavior, Disability, Education, Love, Observation | Tags: life lesson
Marge with Foxy and Bosco
Marge decided Foxy was lonely and needed a playmate. The debate went on for over a year, Marge trying to come up with rational reasons and me trying to put the folly of the whole thing into perspective. Given the extra demands placed on Marge by my quadriplegia, I thought it totally wrong to bring into the family another member who would require even more of my wife’s attention. Two weeks ago the scales were tipped in favor of getting another dog. Our neighbor’s brought home a second dog, a cute puppy which looked like a St. Bernard. Foxy when to the edge of her range and barked and whined. The decision was made.
Bosco
Saturday morning Bosco arrived. We were anticipating an adjustment period of days, if not weeks, but to our surprise it was hours. Foxy’s playful nature and maternal instincts quickly got the best of any reservation she might have had. I guess I could say the same thing for Marge. I must digress for a minute here. For several weeks prior I had been locked in a battle with Medicare and our secondary insurance company over a repair issue with my wheelchair. After a week or two I was totally frustrated. It was affecting me physically and mentally, and I was strung pretty tight.
Foxy quickly decided Bosco was going to make a great playmate and proceeded to test the theory for several hours. Finally, both dogs tired of the frolic and began to settle down. Marge picked up Bosco and put him on my lap. The impact was immediate. I could almost feel the tension leaving my body. The puppy grunts and his smell soothed my psyche. Talk about pet therapy! It was instantaneous! Bosco sat with me in my wheelchair for over a half an hour. Several times I drove around the house and he was as contented as could be. After I pet him for awhile my fingers began to relax and return to a more normal position. Check out the picture. Bosco accepts me as I am and neither expects nor desires any more. He tries to climb up my leg in an effort to get on my lap. When he is on my lap it is almost like being in a meditative state. One of the great things about love is the more you give the more you have to give.
Bosco & me
Filed under: Ability, Attitude, Behavior, Education, Love, Observation | Tags: control, life lesson, lifestyle, using your mind
I have a good friend who is struggling with some very challenging issues in her life right now. At times, she feels overwhelmed and depressed. If you have never gone through times like these, most likely you will. In the Austin Powers movie, The Spy Who Shagged Me, Dr. Evil had Fat Bastard steal Austin Power’s mojo. The rest of the movie was about Austin’s effort to recover it.
In real life no one can take your mojo, self-esteem, dignity or whatever you want to call it, unless you let them. Each and every one of us already has the inner strength to handle any challenge or crisis that may confront us. This becomes very obvious when we look at people who have dealt with or are dealing with a major crisis in their lives: Helen Keller, John McCain, Lance Armstrong, Christopher and Dana Reeve, Kevin Everett of the Buffalo Bills, Bob Woodruff of ABC News, Elizabeth Edwards who recently lost her heroic battle with breast cancer, and more recently Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords. While these people may be famous they are really no different than you or me. I am sure you know not so famous individuals who have demonstrated the same inner strength. Did these people get something at birth that we didn’t receive, of course not. These individuals may have approached their challenges in different ways but they all found the inner strength to deal with them. For final proof positive, I’ll turn to Rock And Roll which I believe holds the answers to all of life’s mysteries. The group America in their song Tin Man sings:
“Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man
That he didn’t, didn’t already have…”
Think about the verse above. If you have ever watched the Wizard of Oz, it makes perfect sense. The basic truths in the movie are why to this day it remains a classic for children and adults alike.
The Tin Man Getting His Heart
The question now becomes how do we marshal our inner strengths? I believe we must face life experiences head on, with a positive attitude looking at circumstances as a challenge to be dealt with rather than a problem to be solved. Realize some struggles will be long and that at times situations can become very discouraging, but that is normal. Colin Powell said “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from failure.”
We should never allow others to define who we are. As with a bully teasing a child on the school playground, the child should never say, “What’s the matter with me but rather what’s the matter with that bully.” So remember no one can take your mojo unless you let them! Oh, if you’re reading this and you’re not Linda, don’t worry; she’s going to be fine.
Filed under: Attitude, Behavior, Disability, Education, Love, Observation | Tags: life lesson
I What To Know What Love Is I want you to show me… Foreigner
Since Valentine’s Day is Monday I will give you an example of what love is because I can’t show you. My wife Marge and I have been married 45 years. At my son’s wedding I was asked to give a brief talk. The following quote was part of what I said: “The last 29 years have been the best of my life. Marge and I have shared laughter and tears, good times and bad, joys and sorrows; but more then that, we have shared our dreams, our inner most thoughts, our strengths, our frailties, and we have shared our love. Marge has always been there when I have needed support. Things that happen to me when we are apart are not complete until I share them with her. Only with Marge can I truly be myself and completely relax.”
Less then 5 years later I had my accident. The accident did not just happen to me, it happened to my family but since we had an “empty nest” it was really Marge who had to shoulder the majority of the responsibilities. The readjustment was greater than we ever anticipated. It took a long time. I like to tell people that our dog realized in a few weeks what it took me years to figure out and that was that Marge was now the alpha member of the family. Many couples, unfortunately, do not survive the consequences of a readjustment of this magnitude. We were very fortunate to head into it with a strong relationship built up over 35 years. More often than not people tend to focus on me and the challenges that I have had to deal with. I think many give little thought to the tremendous responsibilities placed on the spouse. My wife epitomizes the wedding vows and lives up to Tammy Wynette’s call to “Stand By Your Man”. Marge, not only cooks and manages our home, she also oversees all my care issues, chauffeurs me everywhere I have to go and puts me to bed every night. I owe my good health and lack of complications to Marge’s supervising my care.
Feeding Station
The hardest part of my adjustment is having to watch Marge deal with the physical tasks that have been thrust on her. Yesterday and today February 10 and 11 we received several feet of snow (check the roof of the dog house in the picture). We have a wonderful neighbor who keeps our driveway plowed and open. But there is still a lot of physical work she must do like shoveling the front walk and bringing in firewood. There are also activities she chooses to do like feeding the birds. After my accident we decided that the birds would be a wonderful source of entertainment for both of us. I have built some bird feeders and we have feeding stations all around our house. The snow from the storm is waist deep so movement off paths is extremely difficult. Both yesterday and today I had to watch Marge shovel her way across the lawn, pulling a sled full of birdfeed behind her. She had to shovel in several different places to reach all the feeders. She returned to the house tired from her struggles. Why does she do it? After all it is not necessary; the birds would survive anyway. Marge struggles to feed the birds because she loves them and because she loves me. So Foreigner that’s only one small example of what love is!
Cardinal & Sparrow feeding during the storm
P.S. If you know Marge please don’t mention this blog to her because she doesn’t want me to write about her.
